With little sleep and an embattled body, somehow the revelations seems to be developing rather rapidly. I think after what has been a rather emotional week with advice streaming in from all sources, I can only conclude that I really need to be honest to myself regarding certain issues, and ask myself where i want to be after my two years in AZ is up.

This definitely isn't a dream job, but a very humbling one on many levels, and has also changed my perspective of the sales line in general. There are alot of things to consider, and at certain crossroads, you have to man up and make the right decision. 9 months of a promised 2 years, almost halfway there, going abit better than i thought possible and definitely surprising myself along the way. Of course it gets harder once people take note, but thats the story of my life isn't it. Those projects, those positions, they just throw you in because of industry, industry that is visible, but ultimately industry that is always valued. It's been a development of myself in many ways, definitely the opportunities that i accepted are those that shaped me to what i am now. Somehow, i know that whatever they throw at me, i can manage, and i can deliver and that has to take over the triathlete image that i've sold myself as in the initial stages. It gets very competitive from here, but somehow a night of old school, hardcore partying, and dim sum really did get it out of the system, and i'm renewed enough to go full steam. Starting to feel very focused now despite a very rough start to the week but in the end the quality of work was nothing short of impressive. But, I need results on the field, thats the reality of this job. What was given to me this year though, has the potential to self implode if i don't manage it well, one wrong move and it could be all over. I refuse to throw in the towel for the upcoming battle though; the idea is simple, work hard, impress, make em feel the presence and blow the competition away. I don't care what kinda history there was between competition and client, most of the time these are the kind of battles i either win or make sure opposition loses along with me. Making it work though, means throwing myself deeper and deeper into uncomfortable and unfamiliar territory, bound to leave scars. Only time will tell whether this assignment will prove the one that cracks me.

On a side note, growing up is a rather tricky thing, especially when theres many things on your plate. At the end of it, you can look at it two ways, either you're a coward who dares not take the step forward and venture into the unknown, or you're the brave soul who drops the idea of chasing dreams for a better future. Life is never yours to live alone.

On days that are as draining as these, you really look for a sign, just about anything remotely positive, to draw strength from. It was nice to hear this on the radio, although i can't remember what station or dj. "when life throws you lemons, make lemonade." I'm not altogether sure if that's made up by the radio dj or someone else, but i smiled, followed it up with a short laugh and somehow or the other developed steeled determination which powered me through the rest of the day.

So the next time life throws you shit, throw it back at life.

Openings to blog entries have been somewhat a stumbling block of sorts for me. Too much time spent, too much thoughts waiting to be materialised lost so i'm going to jump straight into this one.

I came across this in the lastest Murakami novel, IQ84. "Everybody feels safe belonging not to the excluded minority but to the excluding majority...If you belong to the majority, you can avoid thinking about lots of troubling things; and those troubling things are all you can think about when you're not in it."

Somehow reading this jolted memories of a documentary on CNA i watched in the later months of 2011. It featured the struggles that comic artists in Hong Kong encountered when battling to fight for a living in an occupation that defied the cultural norm. That particular theme struck and stayed with me because of its starking similarity in society here. I have a rather vague memory of what was being mentioned by one of the artists but it was along of the lines of the fear of stepping out of the societal norm (in terms of occupation) and chasing dreams with the intention of making a living out of it. For some of them it worked out, others not so. The common thread that seemed to run through all the interviewees was how they failed to fit in with the norm and could not hold on to a particular job. At first glance you would take a statement of that ilk to represent a form a laziness/poor attitude but somewhere along the documentary that perception of mine changed. I guess in many ways it represents a form of courage that i've never been able to summon in myself.

Chasing dreams has always taken a backseat and rightfully so since a rational analysis of my abilities compared to the opportunites and competition present grounded me into a the "norm". I'm not so sure about whether the pharma sales path i chose after graduation represents a norm of sorts as it was a gamble on many levels. Although it has proved moderately successful so far, it's still very much a gamble and with certain plans for the future seemingly fast forwarded to the a deadline thats very near, the stress levels have soared. That aside i'd have to conclude that its still very much a societal norm right now; you study like mad for grades that matter (or don't matter eventually), you graduate and find the job that pays better although its not ideal, you adapt and make yourself belief you don't hate the job, you start paying loans and bills and make plans for the future, and then you're in debt. I think if you've really got nothing to lose, or if you really don't give a shit about the near future, you really would chase dreams (and then you start to understand why people do certain things), and compared to the former, i doubt it'll look alot bleaker than that; at least you find yourself doing something meaningful.

Have alot more to write, but this is where it ends today. To say this was therapeutic would be an understatement. Penning thoughts is strangely carthartic, even though the entry i just vomitted out probably doesn't seem to be. It's not so much ranting than getting your mind in order, on paper. Hopefully this dispels the nightmares that have plagued my nights recently. Till the next entry. Happy new year to whoever is reading.

As I wipe off the figurative dust that has encrusted this blog to key in my first entry in what has been almost a year of hiatus, the first question that strikes me is why i've left this space untouched for so long. To be honest, i've thought about this question for a long time and couldn't find a satisfactory answer for quite a while now (even my last few entries were rants of somewhat similar nature); and so this hiatus has stretched back a fairly long time now. So I guess to find answers to these sort of questions you really have to revisit the very last time you could account to yourself truthfully about it. I guess in many ways, life took over, and thats as valid a reason as they come, but more importantly, the need to search for oneself within your words ended when i decided to take this blog into an almost private sphere, which almost has an ironic undertone to it, sadly. I'm not even sure that makes any sense to anyone else reading, but it sure as hell is logical enough for me.

So let's try this again, writing, on a public domain no less, which some 3 years back when i first started this blog, was not only an avenue of self discovery, but a refuge in a dimension that reality simply existed as words and nothing else. The results were good, it brought focus and direction back then, maybe it will again.

Life has changed drastically since graduation. I made the transition into the working world rather swiftly, a mere 2 weeks to put pen to paper after my final exam and throw myself into a reality that quite frankly was every bit as tough, unscrupulous and petty as i imagined it to be. Of course the one thing that I didn't leave behind in education was the concept of hard work that has seen me through the toughest of trials, a concept i still cling dearly onto (as silly as it might seem at certain points), simply because it was something my grandmother taught me through example.

Not that it has been terrible 24/7 for the last 6 months of work. In fact the few silver linings that have managed to seep through the dark clouds of the corporate world where vested interests and profit margins reign, have shown me that there are people around worth making the extra effort for. Keeping it together has also taken paramount importance lately, simply because you aren't just earning for yourself anymore. With sacrifices come the end of certain dreams, but others will take their place and the sad truth is (or at least the way i look at it), depending on your situation, the pragmatic approach is usually the best way forward. You have to ask yourself how many people get rich by chasing dreams. The rare few do but the publicity that generates around these individuals spawn false dreams, often embraced by the masses who simply don't possess the talent or luck to elevate them to the same heights, and not surprisingly, failure ensues.

And so lets go one full circle, back to the original intention of restarting this blog. I think i'm happy to say, i probably did start to find myself again, and maybe this journey won't lead to a dead end this time round.