I remember my cousin making a comment once that he doesn't know why he maintains his blog even though he knows he'll never write anything truly personal on it. I agreed with that sentiment though i could offer no myself no explanantion on it. The difference for me now is that i know why i don't want to maintain this anymore.

Looking back at all the past posts, i realised just how pointless and empty some of them were. Endless whining and cryptic posts that probably has started to irk many already. Whats' worse is after browsing through them all, i seem to be constantly whining about the same thing, over and over again. Why i end up with such shitty cryptic posts sometimes is simple, i don't for the life of me dare to write honestly about myself, about my feelings, about anything pertaining to me. Whenever i do try, i end up cancelling it and rewritting something else, and editing it an endless amount of time till i feel i have successfully hidden my original intent. These few days I've left everything on private viewing, so whats on view are posts that are meaningless to me, and yet attempting to look anything but. I've since come to realise just how vulgar that is.

I don't have the courage of Nicolas or ZY to write so honestly on a domain that is available to some and all respectively. So while i'm saying goodbye to this blog, let me try, for once to be perfectly honest.

Flipping through my old pen-written diaries from secondary school and JC, i've come to realise that while the content may be ridiculously immature and highly controversial, it was at least, an honest attempt by me to discover me, writing truthfully about my feelings and emotions. Running through those pages brought me no joy whatsoever; there is a side of me that i realised has not changed, and it's infinitely ugly and selfish. This particular side of me has burnt relationships with friends and family. It is this side of me that puzzles daryl, and pisses the living shit out of jerome and matt though i know they try their best to put up with it. It is time to address it, alone.

So I have moved on to a private blog, with no one else but me. I need the privacy (how cowardly, i know) to be able to write honestly. It's like how if someone stares at you at a urinal, you just can't pee. Goodbye, and thank you all who have accompanied through this journey of sorts, which has surprisingly, passed its one year in existence on cyberspace already.

To end off, here is excerpt from my favourite author, which for me, is so apt about how i'm feeling right now.

"I find it hard to talk about myself. I'm always tripped up by the eternal who-am-i paradox. Sure, no one knows as much pure data about me as me. But when i talk about myself, all sorts of other factors, values, standards, my own limitations as an observer, make me, the narator select and eliminate things about me, the naratee. I've always been disturbed by the fact i'm not painting a very objective picture of myself...The more i think about it, the more i want to take a rain check on the topic of me. What i'd like to know more is about the objective reality of things outside myself. How important the world outside is to me, how i maintain a sense of equilibrium by coming to terms with it. Thats how i grasp a clearer sense of who i am." Haruki Murakami - Sputnik Sweetheart